In Memory of Hayley

September 21, 2007

Hayley was my little Yorkshire Terrier that I've had for 10 years. I got her in 1997 when she was 4 or 5 years old. Having not been around other animals, she was definitely a 'people' dog and knew she was in charge of her small domain. Hayley immediately loved everyone she met (well, except for the vet) and she liked to go for rides in the car.

Hayley was diagnosed with kidney failure about 18 months ago so I knew her time was limited. Her condition was always in the back of my mind and I thought I was doing pretty good at preparing myself for when the time came for her to leave me but it wasn't easy when I had to make the decision to let her go.

Scott called me at work yesterday afternoon and told me she was in bad shape so I asked him to take her to the vet and I left work to meet him there. She was distraught and in pain so an x-ray was taken. It showed several inflamed discs along her spine which is what was causing her the pain. The vet also told us that, from the symptoms we described, it sounded like she was having bouts of dementia. We had noticed that she was having periods of 'confusion' more and more, like she couldn't see or didn't know where she was. Due to her advanced age and her kidney condition, she still didn't have a very good chance of survival had I decided to proceed with a back surgery. The vet told me I could also keep her on medication and 'hope' that she healed. I had been told several months earlier, when I took her for her yearly exam, that she couldn't be anesthetized for a dental cleaning so it was doubtful she would have even been able to have a surgery. I felt that keeping her medicated, in hopes that she would get better, would just be selfish on my part and only add to her suffering. I had an option to take her home with medication to relieve her pain while I made a decision as to what course of action I wanted to take but I didn't want to prolong what I knew had to happen.

I decided to let her go so she wouldn't have to suffer any more than she had already. I felt like it would have just been selfish of me to make her go through any more discomfort. While I was given time to think about this, she was given a very strong painkiller to make her more comfortable. I immediately felt her relax when they gave her this. As she lay in my arms, I knew I was feeling the warmth of her little body and her little heartbeat for the last time.

I have been thinking for a while now about what would happen to her physical body after her little spirit was gone and knew that I didn't want to bury her in the ground because if I ever move to another house she would have been left behind. I was almost convinced that she should be cremated but not long ago someone told me that animals are 'communally' cremated so your pet's ashes are really a combination of lots of other animals too. I voiced this concern to the vet yesterday when she asked me what I would want done with Hayley's remains and she told us about Pet Heaven, a crematorium/cemetary in Cherryville. I won't go into the details of my conversation with the vet about this but we ended up taking Hayley's little body to Pet Heaven. I held her the entire time, from when she was first given the painkiller and then euthanized, up until the time I placed her little body in the crematorium. The process took about an hour and a half and we were able to see her little skeletal remains when they came out of the unit. Mark, the owner of Pet Heaven, also let us watch as he processed the remains and placed them in the wooden box that we brought her home in.

I loved her so much. Being a dog, she never judged me or got mad at me for stupid things or even when I did stupid things. The only thing she ever asked of me was that I love her back and provide her with the very basics of what was necessary to survive; food, water, and attention. Hayley was the only dog I've ever owned that passed away while in my ownership. I didn't think it would be this hard to lose her but it is. I know that anyone who has ever lost a pet will understand. I am more convinced now than ever, now that Hayley is gone, that people who have never had pets are missing something wonderful in their lives. I know that they can cost a lot of money at times but looking back on the time that I had with Hayley, I wouldn't trade that time or the memories I have of her for any amount of money in the world.

I can never appropriately express the appreciation I have for the people who have and will help me get through this ...Scott, for being so understanding of how I feel about her and driving me around with her yesterday (she loved him very much too), the vets who treated Hayley last and ultimately helped her go to sleep and also Hayley's regular vets who were always nice to her and tried to make her more comfortable when she had to have fluid treatments. My thanks also to Mark and his wife, at Pet Heaven, for allowing me to say goodbye to Hayley by letting me be with her until the very end.

I will always miss her.